There’s so many feelings that passed as this was being drawn. Satisfaction was not one of them. Standing back, and without a piece of charcoal in hand, it’s a much different experience.
(note: laid down an initial base layer of tinted gesso on the masked in section of paper. Experimenting with with working on a substrate. It gave the surface tooth that could be altered with a sanding pad and tinted to an off white using a yellow gouache.)
I’m not avoiding being alone, I learned early on to enjoy many aspects of what it means to be alone, essentially, to be an individual. What I am avoiding is a sense of not being included… not necessarily excluded, being excluded implies acknowledgment and denial… to be not included implies being invisible and unworthy.
There’s a trap that people commonly encounter as they learn a new system, as they become proficient, they quickly come rely on the new system to get results. Eventually they begin to believe that everything is a result of systems, organizing themselves and their thinking around systems… they become bureaucratic.
Efficiency of can reliably achieve predictable results, but efficiency can also choke down growth.
Blah blah Growth needs to trip up systems and open up space for growth. Blah
There’s a passing wish to be able to acquire knowledge without experience. To be able to absorb a lesson simply by listening or reading to someone else’s experience… a strategy that provides insight, but not necessarily a working intuition. Instead, each lesson needs to be individually experienced, its boundaries and relationships explored before the relevance of the lesson can be accepted or cast away
Just wanted to feel the work being made today. Blocking out space. Making decisions. Feeling the pastel rubbing across the paper. The prick of small disappointment. The swing of fleeting satisfaction. It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to the work being made…
Most of the time, I feel as though I never really grew up, that I’m still a child, trying and wishing to be something more than what I am… not someone different, but different in understanding. An understanding signified by a manifest ability, an understanding and ability gained through experience. It’s this desire that propels a felt need to rush towards experience. It’s the idealism of wishing to be more than what I am that continually feeds the desire to grow. It’s not work ethic, it’s neurosis.
I swing between want of detail and the need for feeling. Consequently, I land somewhere in between. This isn’t meant to be a generalization of the figure. This isn’t meant as an abstraction. It’s a distortion created by the lens of my attention, not a manifesto of aesthetics.
“Adiline” 5”by 5” charcoal and white pastel on paper
There’s an arousal in deciphering the familiar from a collage of marks and lines. It taps into a scanning response that hums away in the unconscious coding of adults that were raised in unpredictable or unstable environments. Art has the ability to safely activate this state of mind and tantalize it with the visual swish and flick of an experience intended to jostle thoughts and feelings.
Teasing out a pattern holds an allure that I’m strongly drawn to. It’s reflective in my preference to move away from definitive drawing and instead towards suggestive figurative drawing, towards stream of consciousness with threads to pull on and unravel.
This particular drawing isn’t that, but it’s hints at a drifting away from the literal and instead letting a drawing be a drawing. Joy being found both in recognition and the physical experience of mark making.
The trajectory of tonal changes can imply direction of a timeline. In this case the shift to darkness is just that… a shift to rather than away from. It’s the cultured habituation of left to right scanning, but it could also be a current lack of optimism.
Note: return to using cut outs and stencils to build up a layered image using guash, charcoal, pastel, and graphite.